What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
What do women and noodles have in common?
Both wiggle when you eat them.
What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?
A white Christmas.
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.
What does a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
Both have a wet nose.
Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?
She just couldn’t take it any longer.
How does a woman scare their gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
Sex Jokes
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.
What’s the best part about sex with twenty eight year olds?
There are twenty of them.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
Want to know why they say eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you eat that stuff, you’re sure to eat anything.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in a different box.
What does the receptionist say as you leave the sperm bank?
“Thank you for coming!”
What do you call a nanny with breast implants?
A faux-pair.
How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.
What’s the real definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body—except his.
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
What’s the best way to respond when a girls asks “what’s up”?
“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”
What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?
She’s got small tits.
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